NUMBER TWO

My last year of college.

I still had no idea what I wanted to be.

I felt like a failure because my first attempt failed so hugely [click here to find out why].

I don’t know if hugely is a word, but that’s how bad it was. I didn’t know what I wanted to be and now at UW–River Falls, I majored in theatre -- because I didn’t know what I wanted to be.

You knew I loved acting and I knew I was good at it. I’ve been cast in every single show I’ve ever auditioned for, except one. One. 

It was my theater success that motivated me to pursue LA dreams in the first place. I remember when I decided to go:

At work, outside, on the roof, the stars are amazing. It’s mid July. This night it just happens to be 11pm. I get to go out here all the time. By out here, I mean outside. By outside, I mean out on the roof. Every-hour-on-the-hour, like clock work, I make my round to the roof because it’s my part-time job as the over-night security guard for this building. My duty is to man-up and walk inside all the generator rooms to make sure that no one is hiding in any of the corners of the rooms that are pitch black, and, oh, make sure all the generators are working properly. Then finish hitting the rest of the security checkpoints of this twelve story building. 

One of my favorite checkpoints to hit is a sticker that I’m supposed to scan on the outside door frame just outside the door of the roof. In order to scan it I have to open the door, walk outside, scan the barcode sticker and walk back in and make sure this door to the roof locks behind me. Because I have to make rounds every-hour-on-the-hour, like clock work, I get to scan the sticker during The Golden Hour of the day. Once you step out of the door and onto the roof, ahead about twenty feet is the ledge of the roof. If you stand on the ledge of the high twelve story building you get the best view of the western sky just as the sun is dipping behind the curve of the earth’s horizon.

I went out and looked west every single time. The things I saw were amazing. I saw my dreams and aspirations. My routine became to scan the checkpoint, walk out to the ledge and make a promise that I would promise myself never to break. I look west; I clear my head, soak up the beauty of the world, and realize I have the ability to do whatever I want to do. Up until now there have been a lot of great memories that I can tell my kids but most of it is overshadowed by disappointment and shame.

On this night there is one thing in my heart that I want to do. And I want this promise to trump every other thing I’ve ever promised. Please, I beg myself, don’t break the most beloved promise that you could make to yourself. Every time I stand on this roof, not only do I feel nauseated by the long fall down, but I can’t help but feel that I can do this. I believe in myself and I don’t need anyone else to believe in me because this feeling warms me to the bone.

I have Baby Lily today so the only warm feeling lately is puke on my shoulder, and my chest, and on the back of my hand. But even now, with a face that’s 15 years older than before and with whiskers spotted gray I can’t stop that same smile from happening again while writing this because I remember that warm feeling.

I promise myself I will be there trying to show that I can do it. During a life where I’ve broken dad’s heart, my best friends spirit, and the trust between you and I, this is the night I make a promise to myself that I never broke. The night is not cold or windy. It’s not raining and it’s not humid. It’s perfect and it sends a tingle all the way through my body and it feels amazing. I feel alive. I feel direction. I’m high and not on drugs, which by the way, is something I have never done. Naturally, a natural high. It’s very still and I stare west, intentionally shifting my eyes between the stars and the horizon. Stars, horizon, stars, and horizon letting my mind wonder what the hell they could be doing over there where it’s 2 hours behind… I wonder what the hell they’re doin over there for as long as I can before my shift leader interrupts over the walkie asking “what the hell you doin up there?”

That’s the night I decided that I’m going to go to Los Angeles. 

Move to LA and work for the movies. 

I promise. And I did.

But I had to get the all important Theater degree first. Nobody warned me that even  more trouble would come with that degree.

 

During a Theater degree you try to act in as many shows as you can. They aren’t all plays, they are musicals too. Luckily, I can sing so I was cast in a few pretty fun musicals. During my last year of college my farewell show was Joseph and the Amazing blah, blah, blah, Dreamcoat.

That show was amazing. Man, sell-outs for every show, standing ovations every night. I was Pharaoh, sang the shows most entertaining solo, and created a ton of memories. The memory that stands out the most was the show where I gave the best performance. Did that sound cocky? That sounded cocky, but because it was my best performance isn’t the reason it stands out. The reason it stands out is because 15 hours prior to the curtains going up, dad had to bail me out of the CG Police Department booking room. I was arrested earlier that morning for my 2^nd DUI.

Other than the rush you get from being on stage, the second best part of theater is the buzz you get at the cast parties after the show. Which I also remember.

It was a small party with some old friends in Cottage Grove. I was, literally, 4 miles from home. I was with my college best friend and we both were drinking. It was pretty casual and low keyed.

I was just over 2 years off my first DUI so I had tons of drinking and driving knowledge stored up from the mandatory classes I was court-ordered to take, just waiting to be used. Naturally, I used it. I drank with a sense of control, I drank slowly, I drank responsibly, and then I forgot how to get home when we left.

I remember that while getting lost, I noticed a cop sitting at a four-way stop sign. I continued to approach the same four-way stop. Came to a complete stop and continued straight. We drove for 2 blocks before I realized I was lost in my own home town. The second I realized where I was, I made a hard right at the intersection that was just about behind us. With confidence, I hit the gas to start the cruise home and SUDDENLY slammed on the brakes at the end of the cul-de-sac! Cul-de-sac??? What the… where was I??? My friend had been thrust toward the windshield and had to stop himself with a double stiff-arm to the dashboard.

I couldn’t breath. The street light was inches away from the bumper. My armpits welled up with sweat and immediately dripped down my torso. My eyes were wide open and we both looked at each other, speechless. I had no idea I was in a cul-de-sac and had no idea that I had no idea where I was.

Now that I scared myself sober, I was able to get my bearings. I slowly turned around and proceeded back to the four-way stop that I was supposed to turn at the first time. This time I recognized it. I also recognized the cop that was still sitting there…

I stopped, completely. Turned on my blinker. Looked both ways and proceeded with a lot of caution. I pulled out and turned into the appropriate left lane of the four lane road. I blinkered again to switch lanes into the right lane and as I checked my rearview, the red swirling lights and bright spot light flooded out directly behind me.

I knew what was going on. So did my friend in the passenger seat. I knew I was in trouble. So did my friend in the passenger seat. His consoling line was, “You’re in trouble.” But all I could think of was how I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity to call dad to pick me up. Not calling him this time was a horrible horrible thought.

I didn’t think things could get any worse and as soon as I thought that things couldn’t get any worse the cop that planted his fat face against my window, was the same cop that arrested me the first time!

(long pause)