Imagine, the day comes and you go out-of-town with a
couple of really close friends, and it rocks. You can relax. You can finally. breathe.
On the way out of town, you eat fast food; you drink
pop; and you house an entire bag of Hint
of Lime tortilla chips. It doesn’t get much better than Hint of Lime tortilla chips, so things
are great!
You get there and it’s everything you pictured in
your head. The days are filled with easy activity - fishing, camping, hiking,
grilling and you love it. Or you just sit in the lawn chair with the shade.
Doesn’t matter which.
Stay with me now.
Imagine, you just finished a long fast-paced wog,
that drenched you with sweat, and you’re hungry. You’re standing at the kitchen
counter in your out-of-town lodge, drinking a cool glass of water, eyeballing
the cupboards for a snack.
Until recently, not even a really deep breath could
help get your pants to button. So, months ago you started watching your diet -
specifically sweets because your sweet tooth has gotten the best of you. Being
months into this, you’re still fresh. You’re still strong. You’re still nothing
less than confident because it’s a healthy lifestyle change and you’re proud of
yourself. Good job.
Imagine, a donut sits there on the open counter top and
it could be any kind of donut - glaze, chocolate covered, jelly, sugar, half-eaten,
doesn’t matter - this donut looks GOOD.
You want it. But, no. You pass it as you walk into the next room.
But you’re on vacation!
You pass it again as you walk back from the next
room.
Nobody is going to care if you eat it. You’re on
vacation, you should eat it!
You haven’t had one of those in five months - over
five months - and it’s probably closer to seven months if you want to be exact,
so this one day won’t throw you off your lifestyle change.
Plus, you’re on vacation with your close friends,
nobody back home will even know for cryin’ out loud!
Plus, your new schedule has you at the gym often
enough to wash-out the donut calories even if you did eat it, no big deal.
If you think about it, you really only need to avoid
sweets when you’re in the middle of the daily grind, in the midst of everyday
stress that life can unleash. On this day, given the fact that you're on
vacation, eating a donut is just fine! You have the right tools to fight the
craving when you really need to, but not right now while you’re out-of-town.
You can go back to not eating donuts when you’re back home.
So you eat it and although you fought the impulse off
for a tick, you always knew in the back of your mind you’d eat it.
Sometimes we just can’t say no. It happens. Luckily,
it’s just a donut.
When Raffs asked if I wanted a drink, I just
couldn’t say no. It happens. Unfortunately, my battle isn’t over donuts, but now
you know my thinking process. Every
time.
How many reasons can I find to give myself permission
to take the “donut.”
The next morning, before my eyes open, I know this
isn’t how I wanted to wake up.
It seems I know I’m sick even before I know I’m
awake.
Cold sweats, the
after-taste of alcohol has soaked into my tongue, body aches, congested chest,
gagging, fatigue, headache. The Vegas Death Plague.
I couldn’t stay sober for more than two weeks on my
own.
I feel spineless, and that isn’t a hangover symptom.
I wish I would have called the sponsor that I never
got because my counselors told me I had to.
“You need a sponsor, Dennis.”
“Sure thing,” I replied.
I’m stupid.
Now, I’m awake before I’m even awake, lying face-down
in my pillow trying to figure out how to escape the Vegas Effect, wondering how
no became yes.
I’m weak.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Slow down.
Stop beating yourself up, stupid.
In the coming years, this would become a common
frustration, but this was the first time. It’s true, you always remember your
first. This was the first relapse, and all it took was two weeks out of my
support system, an old reconnection, and Las Vegas.
I had failed, yes, and this story has been a secret
of mine for years. The first chance I had to stand up on my new legs and I fell
flat on my face.
Until this admission, Raffs and I are the only ones
who know it happened. I’m pretty sure he has no idea how much that night
impacted me. Even now, today, I’m ashamed of myself at how easily I let
persuasion persuade me.
Here is my list of top five truths about that night:
1) I didn’t want to quit drinking. I still doubted
that I had a problem.
2) I was terrified of being different.
3) I was afraid of what Raffs would think of the new
me.
4) I was afraid of what I would think of the new me.
5) I was afraid the entire city would notice that I
might be the only guy within the state lines without a drink in my hand.
6) I wasn’t strong enough to say no.
Okay, so that’s six but I could have listed a
hundred.
That was a humbling experience. To wake up ashamed
of myself again. Did I hurt anyone? Yes. Me. I let myself down, and that is
harder to accept than hurting another.
But that time in Vegas stayed with me. Perhaps that's what it was meant to do because it was five years before I had another drink.
