"THE TRUTH DOES ALWAYS PREVAIL"

I say everything the same exact volume every time! You hear me, don’t act like you don’t. But again, you create dozens of reasons not to listen.

How am I supposed to get past the shame and guilt of hurting the people I care about?

Make friends with your actions.

Make friends with your actions? I don’t even know what that means.

It means own your actions.

Oh. Ewwwww.

It’s time to grow up, Dennis.

Don’t tell me to grow up, what’s the matter with you? You’re so good, and I’m so bad, right?! Gimme a break.

I’m only saying that it’s time to stop the foolishness. There are things in our life that need to be remedied, now. Continuing to wait is not a good idea. I can feel it creeping.

Creeping, what are you even talking about? What’s creeping?

I don’t know - trouble. More trouble. And not just 60 days in jail.

It’s time to commit to taking steps to make sure you stop doing that stuff, and man-up. Make your apologies face to face, if possible. Not by text.

Face to face apologies? This is why I don’t listen to you. You put me in positions that I don’t like to be in. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for face to face.

You don’t have to be ready, but you have to at least make an attempt. You don’t have to say the right things or admit to your problems, you just have to say - “sorry for hurting you.”

I keep thinking about the times I’ve lost my cool-cuz the alcohol took over. I can’t get it out of my head. And what a psycho everyone must think I am.

Try to see the bigger picture: if alcohol makes you violent, than what other people did or didn’t do to trigger it, isn’t as important.

Whoa, wait, it doesn’t make me violent. Well, it doesn’t usually.

...or makes you a different person. That might be more accurate.

yeah, a different person but doesn’t alcohol make everyone a different person? All my friends are telling me to “let it go.”
How do I do that?
I think I’m screwed here.
I can’t make it better.

Slow down. Slow down.

One thing at a time or things will seem too big to conquer. Only you know what’s best for you, not your friends. Do you want to follow your friends or do you want to be a leader amongst your friends? Understand, your friends will never be able to answer any of this for you.

There are definite patterns, am I right? they’re kinda makin’ me feel like I’m being melodramatic.

I see patterns, you see patterns. Try not to let your friends dictate how you feel.

This struggle is gonna be pretty lonely and difficult without their support.

If your priority is to appease your friends over your own feelings, then do what they say-let it go. But it sounds like you’re finally realizing this is a big deal that goes back a long way.

Does it?
What if I’m wrong?
I don’t know what to think...or feel.
I feel paralyzed.
I have a highly irrational fear that most people are gonna think I’m crazy. So, all of this scares the crap outta me.

You have some tough decisions to make. Stay true to who you are and the kind of person you want to be.

Why would people think you’re crazy.

I always think that. Cuz I act crazy when I drink... a lot of the time.

Well that makes you many things, but I don’t think crazy is one of them. Besides, at some point you’ll have to say “screw what other people think.”

I’m trying to be more like that. I think I succeed when I’m sober. when I have bad nights-it feels like all the good stuff about me is erased.

That’s exactly how I’ve felt. It’s not how often you drink, but when you do, you regret things that you did.

You make me cry. Most people say, “we’ve all been there-you’re fine.”

Maybe your friends aren’t as good as they could be. Plus, maybe they don’t know what to say.

Yeah, they’re probably just trying to make me feel better.

Remember, this isn’t about them or anyone else. It’s about you.

You sure do inspire me. I hope to think how you think some day. I just want peace.

It’s hard work and a lot of truth will have to come out.

So, here’s another part of my pattern...

okay, embarrassing emotional buzz/drunkenness. Get home-hate myself, avoid friends, and family as much as I can, next morning hate myself, tell myself I’m never gonna drink again, deep deep depression...panic attacks from how I acted, a week later feeling better, two weeks later-better than ever, a month later-- let’s go drink again!

Vicious.

The kicker is-- it’s only like this when I like some dysfunctional gal. Which is pretty much always.

Not true, but go on.

My friends say I’m more of a love addict than someone with a drinking problem.

Are your friends addiction counselors?

No, but they think once I fix the girl problem, the drinking will resolve itself.

I’m quite certain the drinking thing won’t fix itself.

I’m just not sure what to do with myself. Everyone-and I mean everyone I tell about the drinking is convinced it’s the relationships I pick and not the drinking thats the problem.

Question: forget your friends for a second, what do you think?

I think if I never felt drunk again my life would improve.

Never feeling drunk is different than never drinking again. You’re still creating loop-holes for yourself. Be strong enough to act on your instincts. You might still pick bad women to date while sober but all the other stuff will start to disappear.

Friends will always give us permission to drink. Always. It’s you that has to have, and enforce, boundaries for yourself.

Yeah.
i have a problem with alcohol.
what do we do to stay sober? Treatment?

Treatment. Then, mentor.

I have a really hard time with step two. I have no faith in anything bigger than me. I barely have faith in me. So... I think that’s my biggest hurdle right now.

The last thing I want to become is a bible thumper... addicted to
religion.

Dennis, all you are responsible for right now is to be open and available for change inside you, and to go. To treatment, to AA meetings, to church... pick one, but let’s go.

Please don't say my name like that. I’m scared, alright?! My fear is that no “normal” girl will wanna date a guy who has relationship and drinking issues. I feel so broken.

Dennis, let me say, it’s only when you are healthy that you find the healthy ones.

......................

“Dennis!”
-Yeah, I’m here.
“We only have a few more minutes.”

I rub my nose of all things for no other reason than to fill the moment with movement. I don’t know why I remember that exact movement at that exact moment. I just do.

“We are all here for the same reason. You’re with friends. It’s safe here.”
-I don’t know what to do. I have a drinking problem and I don’t know what to do from here.

My counselor smiled at me. He just smiled at me as if he was proud of me. He made me feel good about what I had just said.

There it was... finally out in the open. I had protected that secret since I was eighteen years old. I protected that secret with everything I had inside me, since my day one drinking experience. The agonizing feeling that there was something wrong with me for over ten years and the torture of failure everytime I put a drink to my lips.

I can’t tell you the amount of pressure that left my body after admitting I had a problem. And I did, I felt incredibly free. Freedom from myself.
From worry,
from hiding,
from lies,
from stress,
from cover-up after cover-up.

That’s what we do. We cover up anything and everything that might raise a red flag about our secret to anyone who might catch on. We’re so caught up in cover-ups that we don’t realize that people on the outside can see right through our actions.

In that room it felt so reviving that I wanted to scream it from the Empire State building. In that room it felt alright to be who I am. But how would I keep that same feeling outside of those walls?

I had just exposed myself. Not to the world, but to myself, and I would have to carry that with me every day outside of these safe treatment doors. How could I stay free and still protect myself at the same time?

I adopted the philosophy that beyond my family and close friends, nobody else needed to know anything further. I knew, and that would be enough, right? Me, knowing the truth about me, would carry me wherever I needed to go and that would keep me free from judgement and gossip and let-down. At the very least it would keep me strong against judgment, gossip, and let-down.

Turns out, I was wrong.

"THE HALF-SECOND BEFORE MY INNER VOICE GOT THE BEST OF ME."

I remember that it made me really uncomfortable to have everyone looking at me again. And, of course, I was looking at my hands. No one was speaking, but they were waiting for me to utter whatever words came to my head and I didn’t know what to say. I knew what to say, but I didn’t want to. They knew what I should say but not what I wanted to say.

I cannot repeat to you what I wanted to say.

Finally, I asked:

What's the question again?
“Are you an alcoholic.” my counselor said with a period, not a question mark.

I shifted in my seat. I swallowed nothing and then licked my lips as I stared at my thumbs.

What else could I do... I cleared my throat.

Why are you asking me that?
“You’re in a treatment center. Everyone here is here because they cannot control alcohol or drugs and they need help. Are you an alcoholic.”


(SILENCE AGAIN)


In my opinion?
“Sure, Dennis, in your opinion.”

Yes, I was beating around the bush. I was wasting time and maybe you would’ve wasted time too if you were in my seat. I didn’t want to answer this question. All I could do was nervously bounce my leg in place and that was probably all they needed to see.

I knew I had to produce an answer in the next ten seconds or these guys were going to be done with me.

I was going to be done with me.

Amazingly, in the half-second before my inner voice got the best of me and I blurted out an answer, I remembered one of the last conversations I’ve ever had with myself about my drinking.


                     ......................



Dennis, we have a problem.

Houston.

What?

Houston, we have a problem, like in Apollo 13.

We have a problem.

Right! Houston, we have a problem.

WE. You and I have a problem.

Oh. That’s not breaking news.

I’m a little, confused, worried, sad...everything right now. Hope i'm not bothering you?

bothering me is chewing with your mouth open, or leaving wet laundry in the washer for days. (Hint, Hint).

None of our friends are “sold” on the idea that I’m an “alcoholic.”
I guess too soon to tell.

We’ve been arrested three times for DUI - too soon to tell???

I don’t know.

I would argue that you do know.

I feel like deep down I know I have a problem with alcohol. I have faith, first of all, but sometimes my higher power feels like an imaginary friend that I made up. I have issues.

Alcoholic doesn’t mean you are dependent on the stuff. It’s not as bad a word as you want to make it.

It’s assuming that I’m a fall-down drunk when I’m not.

That’s only how you see it.

That’s how everyone see’s it.

You can’t answer for everyone.

So many low points -- other than arrests, jail, sleeping on the sidewalk. I’ve hurt people that I care about while I was wasted. I’d never hurt anyone - not sober anyway. I don’t like being around all the drinking and craziness every weekend.

One drink is too many and 100 isn’t enough.

That doesn’t sound like a question. It sounds snide.

It wasn’t a question. I’m saying that after having one drink, stopping, even after a hundred, is not possible for you.

Maybe. I have some thoughts but don’t know how to word them or put them in some order...

Let ‘em fly and we’ll reword them later.

It seems that just when I think I’ve met someone cool - I let myself drink, I’m hyper aware of my behavior and things go awesome. Then after three or four times of that, I think I’m alright and I drink again and spiral out of control...

Patterns.

My friends think my problem is more with my unhealthy relationships and codependency -- and the alcohol comes when that happens, ya know?
Does any of that make sense?

Your friends, are they addiction counselors?

Oh, and the hurting--of the people I love. You didn't say much about that? Was kinda waiting for an in-your-face: “yeah, that’s a problem” type of comment.

YEAH THAT’S A PROBLEM. But it’s the result of a bigger problem.

Alcohol, right?

Alcohol. Right.

How long have we been sober?

Long enough to start toying with the idea that we’re fine.

And how many times have we relapsed?

Enough to face the fact that alcohol still controls you.

How many times have we tested ourselves?

You keep saying we and us. This is all on you. I’m the voice that’s deep down inside you. I know how you feel and the right decisions for you before you do. You can either listen to me or choose not to. You mostly choose not to. And I've known for a long time that you have to quit.

What ends up happening is - I’ll set a limit for myself. Like, 30 days of no drinking. After 2-3 weeks, I’ll be at a get-together and have one - to appease people and go with the flow.

You've never been able to do that.

But I didn't get drunk! I had one drink in thirty days. I can do it easier in the winter. Summer is harder.

OMG! You just blamed your drinking problem on the seasons?!? That’s a first. It’s typical for you to blame things and people, but the seasons?? What a joke. It just proves you can’t stop for even thirty days...

Well it's true, what? I don’t know.

Your worry is that if you aren't drinking people will notice and they might think you had a problem, which you do. So you drink, and then get drunk, and then keep drinking, and then don’t stop, and then they do think you have problems.

If I go “sober” it would just cut out that many more women to date. Still single, getting older, doesn't drink - boring! NEXT!!

My life has been a roller coaster of unhealthy relationships with bad women -- even though I always want “more.” More of a commitment that is...

You don’t have to explain, I know how you feel.

So I drink just to feel normal around them.

If you’re sober, you’re not cutting out that many more women to date, maybe you're closing the door to all the dysfunctional ones.

I’m alone-and have hurt people and I've let so many hurt me. For what??? Instant gratification? The price of a drink?


You know this, I go to parties and choose not to drink all the time and it’s almost as though some of my friends are offended that I’m not drinking. Good point, the dysfunctional closing door point.

No offense but first, you rarely choose not to drink--

--You don’t know what you’re talking about. A million times I've drank and a million times I've not drank or had only a couple.

“Only a couple.” You have chosen that, yeah, but it’s nowhere near the millions of times you think it is. Secondly, maybe the friends who get offended when you rarely don’t drink need you to keep drinking so they can keep drinking.

I have flashbacks of moments that I hurt good people. The shame and guilt is fierce.

Agreed. Are you planning on apologizing to anyone?

I've texted people but it doesn't make my behavior right. I’m a mess, and I keep driving home.

Don’t do that anymore.

Thanks. As if I didn't know.

Well it appears you didn't.

That’s like telling someone who wets the bed not to do that, which they already know and wish they didn't do in the first place, but can’t control what they’re doing while they are sleeping...

Well if you were sleeping while you were driving home drunk then I guess that makes it okay.

I wasn't sleeping but I was pretty drunk each time. I’m so stupid when I’m drunk and I always feel like I have to prove to dad that I can go out, not drink, and still make it home on my own. So that’s why I drive home.

I was so right when I first told you to quit drinking a long time ago.

Maybe if you would've said things louder?

So it's back to my fault now. You don't get it.



(to be continued)