Had a guy at work tell me, not suggest, but actually say to me – like you’ve ever been in trouble before. People like you don’t make mistakes.
I punched him in the face.
I didn’t really, but I fed him the collar of his company logo’d shirt and then pushed him into the wall across the hall.
I didn’t really, but I pointed to a chair that was right there in my office and I told him to sit down in that chair right there.
Then I delivered the best monologue of my life. He left my office that afternoon just another field tech. He went on to become a crew leader, but then the landscaping division supervisor, then the Director of Operations and then left our company to run an even bigger company. The entire time, acknowledging that it was my monologue that he credited for his near impossible turn around.
That didn’t really happen either, but I did tell him that I have lost a best friend, had 3 DUI’s, stayed 60 days in jail, had my license revoked not just one time, but three, lost an unborn baby, had an ex-wife who became pregnant by another guy while married to me, went through a divorce, and then asked him if he wanted me to continue. His face was priceless. After a minute, his eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth to say something but I intentionally interrupted him and said:
I have trouble too. Stupidity is easy for me, good decisions aren’t, but I come back every morning. I’ll see you Monday.
And off he went. I don’t know if he left with his tail between his legs, or if he was silently judging me as he walked out my door, or if I accidentally embarrassed him. I wasn’t looking to prove a point, but rather, make a difference.
The rest of the afternoon was a mind-movie of stupidity.
One time, not at band camp, I fell asleep sitting down on the curb. Maybe I passed out, but I think I just fell asleep. My butt on the curb, my knees up to my forehead, my head on my forearms and my friends are convincing me that I either need to get up or get hit by a car. I never got hit by a car.
I accidentally put a pool stick through the bar wall. I don’t know why……well, I know why. Too much green between the cue ball and the 9 ball, but I don’t know why I was so frustrated that I needed to put a pool stick through-the-wall. My partner, the guys we were playing, the guys who set quarters on the rail to claim next game, and myself, especially myself, all knew that I sucked at playing pool. I don’t even know why I played that stupid game. Hand me a dart and it’s a whole different ballgame…
I accidentally threw-up twice all over the living room floor at a house party and literally slithered out of the house, on my stomach, like a snake. I heard a rumor that I was never allowed back into that house. When I say I threw up twice, I don’t mean two consecutive heaves. No, I mean at two different times during the night I barfed on their floor. The first time someone saw me and told the guys who lived there. They were looking for me most of the night but I didn’t leave. The second time I didn’t bother to stay and slithering out was the safest way out. I never cleaned up my mess. Sorry.
Innocently broke into a friends house via the front window. After bar close, my friend and I drove to the nearest Holiday Station store and picked up a couple frozen pizzas for later that night, or morning, however you want to look at it. Anyway, we get home to where I was house sitting, crank the door knob only to find the door locked? She told me where to find the spare key which was pointless because I really wasn’t listening and truly I couldn’t tell ya if the key was anywhere near where we were looking. We must have searched for an hour if it was even 5 minutes but I decided that we were done looking and it was time for us to get inside. From what I can remember, I snapped out the screen, or ripped it out, and opened a window, or broke the window either one is possible. I crawled in, told my buddy to get inside and sleep on the floor and we crashed. The next morning was hot. We woke up in the same clothes, no AC running; sweat dripping from… everywhere, and no toothpaste. Not only that, but my friend is not sleeping on the floor. Neither is he sleeping in either bedroom? I assumed he bailed earlier that morning until I see him walking up the sidewalk to the front door, turn the handle and walk right in?! A couple not-frozen pizzas in hand. Both thawed out and half sun-baked. While I was breaking into our friends house, he fell asleep in the car which by the way I have to clean out by myself with a bucket of hot water, soap, and hardy washcloth. I scrubbed for over an hour to clean the sundried throw-up that was all over the inside and outside of his car. Sundried throw-up stinks something horrible especially when you’re already severely hung-over. After I finish cleaning my own puke, we finished cooking the not-frozen pizza.
My friends circled me, pointed, and laughed at me as I lay on my back drowning in 1.5’ feet of water in the Apple River. They still laugh at me for that. Word to the wise -- keep your children away from the Apple River. Enough said.
I snuck booze into University sponsored concert. My very good friend had a girlfriend at the time and his girlfriend performed in the University Orchestra. It was an important concert so he had to go. He invited me and now I had to go. We thought it would be a good idea to fill our Big Gulps with beer, instead of Soda. We LOVED the Orchestra that night. No one ever found out, but on the off-chance that we were busted what would our sentence have been?
A security guard threw me out of MOA by my neck. Jerk. I was the jerk as a matter of fact. It was closing time and I was walking out with S-censored-. We were being escorted out, but not because of any trouble. Just slow to exit. I spouted off to the MOA security guards for no reason other than I’m stupid and they started following us a lot closer. I said a couple more things about this and that, and the guard grabbed me by my neck, which was way too hard if you ask me and could have gotten his point across with a little bit of a gentle hand, but nonetheless, he got his point across.He whispered in my ear something that scared me, and literally pushed me out the door. Neither one of us turned around or uttered another word. We left just like he asked, although, I’m not sure we would have liked what happened to us if we would have stayed even another minute.
Now, these aren't the worst things in life. I don't feel like a let-down because of them. But they are stories of stupid things I've done. I wish that guy could be in my head to see them. I wish you could have seen them. he said people like me don't make mistakes.
I punched him in the face.
I didn’t really, but I fed him the collar of his company logo’d shirt and then pushed him into the wall across the hall.
I didn’t really, but I pointed to a chair that was right there in my office and I told him to sit down in that chair right there.
Then I delivered the best monologue of my life. He left my office that afternoon just another field tech. He went on to become a crew leader, but then the landscaping division supervisor, then the Director of Operations and then left our company to run an even bigger company. The entire time, acknowledging that it was my monologue that he credited for his near impossible turn around.
That didn’t really happen either, but I did tell him that I have lost a best friend, had 3 DUI’s, stayed 60 days in jail, had my license revoked not just one time, but three, lost an unborn baby, had an ex-wife who became pregnant by another guy while married to me, went through a divorce, and then asked him if he wanted me to continue. His face was priceless. After a minute, his eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth to say something but I intentionally interrupted him and said:
I have trouble too. Stupidity is easy for me, good decisions aren’t, but I come back every morning. I’ll see you Monday.
And off he went. I don’t know if he left with his tail between his legs, or if he was silently judging me as he walked out my door, or if I accidentally embarrassed him. I wasn’t looking to prove a point, but rather, make a difference.
The rest of the afternoon was a mind-movie of stupidity.
One time, not at band camp, I fell asleep sitting down on the curb. Maybe I passed out, but I think I just fell asleep. My butt on the curb, my knees up to my forehead, my head on my forearms and my friends are convincing me that I either need to get up or get hit by a car. I never got hit by a car.
I accidentally put a pool stick through the bar wall. I don’t know why……well, I know why. Too much green between the cue ball and the 9 ball, but I don’t know why I was so frustrated that I needed to put a pool stick through-the-wall. My partner, the guys we were playing, the guys who set quarters on the rail to claim next game, and myself, especially myself, all knew that I sucked at playing pool. I don’t even know why I played that stupid game. Hand me a dart and it’s a whole different ballgame…
I accidentally threw-up twice all over the living room floor at a house party and literally slithered out of the house, on my stomach, like a snake. I heard a rumor that I was never allowed back into that house. When I say I threw up twice, I don’t mean two consecutive heaves. No, I mean at two different times during the night I barfed on their floor. The first time someone saw me and told the guys who lived there. They were looking for me most of the night but I didn’t leave. The second time I didn’t bother to stay and slithering out was the safest way out. I never cleaned up my mess. Sorry.
Innocently broke into a friends house via the front window. After bar close, my friend and I drove to the nearest Holiday Station store and picked up a couple frozen pizzas for later that night, or morning, however you want to look at it. Anyway, we get home to where I was house sitting, crank the door knob only to find the door locked? She told me where to find the spare key which was pointless because I really wasn’t listening and truly I couldn’t tell ya if the key was anywhere near where we were looking. We must have searched for an hour if it was even 5 minutes but I decided that we were done looking and it was time for us to get inside. From what I can remember, I snapped out the screen, or ripped it out, and opened a window, or broke the window either one is possible. I crawled in, told my buddy to get inside and sleep on the floor and we crashed. The next morning was hot. We woke up in the same clothes, no AC running; sweat dripping from… everywhere, and no toothpaste. Not only that, but my friend is not sleeping on the floor. Neither is he sleeping in either bedroom? I assumed he bailed earlier that morning until I see him walking up the sidewalk to the front door, turn the handle and walk right in?! A couple not-frozen pizzas in hand. Both thawed out and half sun-baked. While I was breaking into our friends house, he fell asleep in the car which by the way I have to clean out by myself with a bucket of hot water, soap, and hardy washcloth. I scrubbed for over an hour to clean the sundried throw-up that was all over the inside and outside of his car. Sundried throw-up stinks something horrible especially when you’re already severely hung-over. After I finish cleaning my own puke, we finished cooking the not-frozen pizza.
My friends circled me, pointed, and laughed at me as I lay on my back drowning in 1.5’ feet of water in the Apple River. They still laugh at me for that. Word to the wise -- keep your children away from the Apple River. Enough said.
I snuck booze into University sponsored concert. My very good friend had a girlfriend at the time and his girlfriend performed in the University Orchestra. It was an important concert so he had to go. He invited me and now I had to go. We thought it would be a good idea to fill our Big Gulps with beer, instead of Soda. We LOVED the Orchestra that night. No one ever found out, but on the off-chance that we were busted what would our sentence have been?
A security guard threw me out of MOA by my neck. Jerk. I was the jerk as a matter of fact. It was closing time and I was walking out with S-censored-. We were being escorted out, but not because of any trouble. Just slow to exit. I spouted off to the MOA security guards for no reason other than I’m stupid and they started following us a lot closer. I said a couple more things about this and that, and the guard grabbed me by my neck, which was way too hard if you ask me and could have gotten his point across with a little bit of a gentle hand, but nonetheless, he got his point across.He whispered in my ear something that scared me, and literally pushed me out the door. Neither one of us turned around or uttered another word. We left just like he asked, although, I’m not sure we would have liked what happened to us if we would have stayed even another minute.
Now, these aren't the worst things in life. I don't feel like a let-down because of them. But they are stories of stupid things I've done. I wish that guy could be in my head to see them. I wish you could have seen them. he said people like me don't make mistakes.
Wrong.
