FROM ONE BEST-MAN TO ANOTHER

So it's come to this. We're all here with you, to celebrate, and then laugh behind your back when you turn away.

You've found somebody from the world wide web willing to spend a lifetime with you. Outstanding, congratulations. But wait, before any blissful celebration can be realized; before that short march that precedes the long journey of a life well shared, tradition says there are some tips you should hear.

Now, I'm sure you've already learned some of these tips, because you’re living in shameful premarital sin, so you'll just have to bear with me:

Fear not--at least, not much. We’ve come to party with you this weekend so that you can hear the experiences of your friends who have trod the marital road before you. In the next two-nights, and three-days, we will laugh at you, ridicule you, and broadcast every worst Nick-moment that we can ever remember. You will cry. Remember, we're teasing with love. 


But, this weekend we will also build on traditions, tear down some others, and present advice and hard learned lessons that will equip you with the knowledge necessary to let her run the rest of your life.

It is wise counsel, and we trust it will help you celebrate this institution as an institution that you, indeed, can't criticize.

Who can?

We can, of course.

I know that a single, divorced guy shouldn't be able to give any such advice, but I'm going to give some anyway. Just because I love ya:

1. Cheers; to the thousands of dollars you will save and then bleed out like a stuck pig-freely giving it away to your kids - Don't worry, it's only money.

2. Regarding September 18, 2010(Your wedding day! Tattoo this date on the inside of your forearm so you never forget it. On second thought, scratch that, JUST DON’T FORGET); a wedding is equal to the rise of your bride to that of goddess for a day, while you decidedly remain -- a background piece. My brother, be content, for I know this goes against the concept of Biblical headship, but you're just gonna have to wait until you leave the reception, because until then, she's in control. And you know what they say in any house of consequence--If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

3. Even though legions of relatives and friends will have assembled, and even though so many other people (not you) have worked hard for your wedding day to be perfect, remember:

It's all right to be scared.
It is not all right to crap your tuxedo.

4. Drinking guidelines for the groom: 2 waters for every 1 beer. If you test that theory, you will regret it, and she will be there to remind you every-single-day, anniversary, holiday, wedding reception…. Do you see a pattern here?

5. On the honeymoon: relax, enjoy everything, roll with problems, and don't sweat the small stuff… And don't argue on hotel balconies. Just don't.

My last piece of advice:

I know that you already do, but remember to live your life with the heart of a servant.......

So pick up my tux.