"THE HALF-SECOND BEFORE MY INNER VOICE GOT THE BEST OF ME."

I remember that it made me really uncomfortable to have everyone looking at me again. And, of course, I was looking at my hands. No one was speaking, but they were waiting for me to utter whatever words came to my head and I didn’t know what to say. I knew what to say, but I didn’t want to. They knew what I should say but not what I wanted to say.

I cannot repeat to you what I wanted to say.

Finally, I asked:

What's the question again?
“Are you an alcoholic.” my counselor said with a period, not a question mark.

I shifted in my seat. I swallowed nothing and then licked my lips as I stared at my thumbs.

What else could I do... I cleared my throat.

Why are you asking me that?
“You’re in a treatment center. Everyone here is here because they cannot control alcohol or drugs and they need help. Are you an alcoholic.”


(SILENCE AGAIN)


In my opinion?
“Sure, Dennis, in your opinion.”

Yes, I was beating around the bush. I was wasting time and maybe you would’ve wasted time too if you were in my seat. I didn’t want to answer this question. All I could do was nervously bounce my leg in place and that was probably all they needed to see.

I knew I had to produce an answer in the next ten seconds or these guys were going to be done with me.

I was going to be done with me.

Amazingly, in the half-second before my inner voice got the best of me and I blurted out an answer, I remembered one of the last conversations I’ve ever had with myself about my drinking.


                     ......................



Dennis, we have a problem.

Houston.

What?

Houston, we have a problem, like in Apollo 13.

We have a problem.

Right! Houston, we have a problem.

WE. You and I have a problem.

Oh. That’s not breaking news.

I’m a little, confused, worried, sad...everything right now. Hope i'm not bothering you?

bothering me is chewing with your mouth open, or leaving wet laundry in the washer for days. (Hint, Hint).

None of our friends are “sold” on the idea that I’m an “alcoholic.”
I guess too soon to tell.

We’ve been arrested three times for DUI - too soon to tell???

I don’t know.

I would argue that you do know.

I feel like deep down I know I have a problem with alcohol. I have faith, first of all, but sometimes my higher power feels like an imaginary friend that I made up. I have issues.

Alcoholic doesn’t mean you are dependent on the stuff. It’s not as bad a word as you want to make it.

It’s assuming that I’m a fall-down drunk when I’m not.

That’s only how you see it.

That’s how everyone see’s it.

You can’t answer for everyone.

So many low points -- other than arrests, jail, sleeping on the sidewalk. I’ve hurt people that I care about while I was wasted. I’d never hurt anyone - not sober anyway. I don’t like being around all the drinking and craziness every weekend.

One drink is too many and 100 isn’t enough.

That doesn’t sound like a question. It sounds snide.

It wasn’t a question. I’m saying that after having one drink, stopping, even after a hundred, is not possible for you.

Maybe. I have some thoughts but don’t know how to word them or put them in some order...

Let ‘em fly and we’ll reword them later.

It seems that just when I think I’ve met someone cool - I let myself drink, I’m hyper aware of my behavior and things go awesome. Then after three or four times of that, I think I’m alright and I drink again and spiral out of control...

Patterns.

My friends think my problem is more with my unhealthy relationships and codependency -- and the alcohol comes when that happens, ya know?
Does any of that make sense?

Your friends, are they addiction counselors?

Oh, and the hurting--of the people I love. You didn't say much about that? Was kinda waiting for an in-your-face: “yeah, that’s a problem” type of comment.

YEAH THAT’S A PROBLEM. But it’s the result of a bigger problem.

Alcohol, right?

Alcohol. Right.

How long have we been sober?

Long enough to start toying with the idea that we’re fine.

And how many times have we relapsed?

Enough to face the fact that alcohol still controls you.

How many times have we tested ourselves?

You keep saying we and us. This is all on you. I’m the voice that’s deep down inside you. I know how you feel and the right decisions for you before you do. You can either listen to me or choose not to. You mostly choose not to. And I've known for a long time that you have to quit.

What ends up happening is - I’ll set a limit for myself. Like, 30 days of no drinking. After 2-3 weeks, I’ll be at a get-together and have one - to appease people and go with the flow.

You've never been able to do that.

But I didn't get drunk! I had one drink in thirty days. I can do it easier in the winter. Summer is harder.

OMG! You just blamed your drinking problem on the seasons?!? That’s a first. It’s typical for you to blame things and people, but the seasons?? What a joke. It just proves you can’t stop for even thirty days...

Well it's true, what? I don’t know.

Your worry is that if you aren't drinking people will notice and they might think you had a problem, which you do. So you drink, and then get drunk, and then keep drinking, and then don’t stop, and then they do think you have problems.

If I go “sober” it would just cut out that many more women to date. Still single, getting older, doesn't drink - boring! NEXT!!

My life has been a roller coaster of unhealthy relationships with bad women -- even though I always want “more.” More of a commitment that is...

You don’t have to explain, I know how you feel.

So I drink just to feel normal around them.

If you’re sober, you’re not cutting out that many more women to date, maybe you're closing the door to all the dysfunctional ones.

I’m alone-and have hurt people and I've let so many hurt me. For what??? Instant gratification? The price of a drink?


You know this, I go to parties and choose not to drink all the time and it’s almost as though some of my friends are offended that I’m not drinking. Good point, the dysfunctional closing door point.

No offense but first, you rarely choose not to drink--

--You don’t know what you’re talking about. A million times I've drank and a million times I've not drank or had only a couple.

“Only a couple.” You have chosen that, yeah, but it’s nowhere near the millions of times you think it is. Secondly, maybe the friends who get offended when you rarely don’t drink need you to keep drinking so they can keep drinking.

I have flashbacks of moments that I hurt good people. The shame and guilt is fierce.

Agreed. Are you planning on apologizing to anyone?

I've texted people but it doesn't make my behavior right. I’m a mess, and I keep driving home.

Don’t do that anymore.

Thanks. As if I didn't know.

Well it appears you didn't.

That’s like telling someone who wets the bed not to do that, which they already know and wish they didn't do in the first place, but can’t control what they’re doing while they are sleeping...

Well if you were sleeping while you were driving home drunk then I guess that makes it okay.

I wasn't sleeping but I was pretty drunk each time. I’m so stupid when I’m drunk and I always feel like I have to prove to dad that I can go out, not drink, and still make it home on my own. So that’s why I drive home.

I was so right when I first told you to quit drinking a long time ago.

Maybe if you would've said things louder?

So it's back to my fault now. You don't get it.



(to be continued)